What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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