so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
