I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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