Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
