You're my little dorito
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
