my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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