a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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