just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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