i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
