Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
