We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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