im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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