rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
