captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
