I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Boobs speak an international language.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
