I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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