im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
