You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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