Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
not ubering you a puppy
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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