These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
