I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
