I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
