Who did Billy Mays play for?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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