My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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