He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I don't deserve a penis
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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