Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
