He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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