T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
