I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
