I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
