Will you blow on my dice?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
