I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
