My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
