To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
