This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
