Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
