it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
