Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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