I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
