The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
