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Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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