Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
