only you would photoshop your dick
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
