She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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