I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
