I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
50% drunk capacity currently
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
