Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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