I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
