**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
