Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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