is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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