do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
